I am not really sure where I want to go with this post today. I am in a very hard, emotional place. Between grief, heart ache and uncertainty…I feel at a loss one what to actually say. There is one thing that gives me any reprieve, having heard this when it comes to people “LET THEM”, was a bit of an eye opener. I have read it on FB and other parts of the interwebz, but sometimes a lesson or suggestion to reflect doesn’t hit you until another source says it, points it out or even you come back to it when you are READY to hear it.
I look at that statement, and it really is what I HAVE to do with some recent part of my life. Turq, in my last post I called her “Her”, has really reduced or not sure how to classify it, but it is hard. Fuck, it hurts. Did I vest too much energy and effort in to being in Turq’s life? Possibly, but it came from the right place, but was it with hope or EXPECTATION that I find myself in such disarray.
Let me take you back to how I am feeling. 1st grief: What am I grieving? Loss, loss of a future I truly believed I would have with Turq. Loss, loss of a connection I thought we had been building. Loss, loss of someone who was\is\could be my happy ending (and yes I would be Turq’s happy ending). Loss, loss of a belief that I meant more to Turq than I do. When I would be told “You are special” when asked why she let me back into her life like everyone else, she replied ” you are not like everyone else, you are special”, hard to believe at this junction with all that has happened. “I need you in my life, even though I might not admit it”…does she?! When you find someone new, am I really needed? It honestly feels like am just part of her collection of people.
I told Turq that we need to have a long talk, beginning to end, let everything out and see what becomes of it. We both have broken hearts, and for me, I hope we start to mend them together with each other. What I do know, that won’t happen if she is with someone else.
I broke a personal boundary because, to me, Turq was the exception…and by that I mean EXCEPTIONAL. As we progressed, she seemingly broke her own boundary, which I may have foolishly perceived as though I TOO was the exception for her. But as my last post stated…someone new. Now I feel completely lied to. Used and a few other feelings to go with those. I don’t know how to deal with all this. I can tell I am detached a bit of the day, but I have cried everyday since that Sunday morning.
Maybe this is all the classic case of “Set the free, and if they are meant to return, then they will”. It’s just so hard to accept, and that is where the suffering resides, in ACCEPTANCE…