Well, a lot has happened and passed over the past couple months. A couple of hikes and some more emotional roller coasters. And in reality, self-reflection. The last thing I talked about was feeling like I am not worth others time, not invited to anything. Frankly feeling alone. That is never a great feeling, and I know we all have this from time to time and I am sure some more than others.
These past few years, in this life of singledom, that has been a point of growth and healing. To be ok being ALONE. Yes, I miss many aspects of having a partner. The simple yet deeper meaning looks between each other, the little touches in passing, the laughter and the tears shared in all avenues. To put it bluntly, the intimacy you don’t get with a friend, yes, they can be a temp relief, but NEVER will it be the same as you would get from your “Person”. That feels like a little off topic but still holds relevance. Back to being ok being alone…
I suppose I mean, not having a person. Enjoying life without the NEED or WANT of someone there all the time. I am sooo not there yet. I still yearn to have that person. Turq is certainly the one I have been wanting in that place. Do I think that will ever happen…truth: no. And I say that with a really heavy heart. Right or wrong, it hurts. That is where I need to dig in and really figure out what this is. I know I hold that space for Turq too. I hold a place that no one else has. Can that change? Possibly, over time, or when I finally have to let go with much reluctance. Fuck, even saying that, I don’t believe I will let her go. Perhaps that is what I feel I deserve. It is my struggle bus for sure
Breaking from that aspect of the last few months, I have had a rollercoaster in work life too. As I work for USPS, started as a carrier with knowing it wasn’t what I would continue to do, I quickly put my interest into becoming a supervisor. I have been in Logistics for 19 years, and was done with that side of the labor. I knew I could teach and or mentor those who do delivering part. Even now I am not sure I want to train, but more looking at the path of safety.
By the way, I officially became a supervisor on April 19th of this year. I had 2 interviews in 2 days. First was on a Friday at a different location than I was working at, and then at the location I was working at on a Monday. After the Friday interview, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Not many questions were actually asked, and I had very limited experience in the field as well. Come Monday, I interviewed with my manager and former manager, and they knew I wasn’t going to be able to answer many questions because I haven’t learned or been shown. I left that interview with a bit of disappointment. Figuring I wouldn’t get it, and I tried to not let that effect me to much. Proceeded to get back to work and not over think it.
As I was checking into a new carriers location and doing the math on how long it will take him to finish, my manager approaches me, and we start talking about him. How long do we keep him since he isn’t really progressing, and a few other menial questions. Then she says she actually came to me to offer me the position…I teared up and nearly started to cry. I was truly moved to be offered. I know I can do the job, any job that I am given really, and to have someone else see that potential, filled with gratitude.
About 2 days later, I get an email of rejection from the first interview. If I had been offered it, I would have turned it down anyway. Even though it would have been a location closer to where I live, it didn’t matter. One to little time to get back to me, and that means something. I know they have been seeing my growth and all, and they know I will thrive as well.
WOW finally getting back to this post. Here it is now Aug 3rd, I am at work on Amazon Sunday, all the carriers are out on route being the wonderful little busy bees they are, and I am working on past training that needs to be completed. This one will have to come to quick end. I have so much to write and so little time to do it.
Until then, thank you for reading this and well…to be continued