I honestly find myself at a very unsure spot. Is it me or is it the people I pick? I don’t get it…why? Why do I feel like I am the only one who makes a fucking effort to keep in contact, to offer up time, to be a fucking friend? I feel strangers are more connective than most people I classify as “Friends”. Why do I feel like I have to initiate contact first, or be the one to ask questions, or to put forth the effort to keep ANY connection? Why does it feel like I can’t find anyone who fucking cares?
That is why I ask…is it me? Am I just not interesting to people? Am I not fun to be around? Why does it feel like people are forced to make any effort to want to be around me, connect with me, or just simple talk to me? What is it about me?
Then I go back to, maybe it’s the people I pick. That they are to close to how my parents were. Absent, not inquisitive, asked but had no real interest behind the question, only were around because they HAD to be. WOW…that hit. I mean, that fucking hit hard. I talk about personal growth here, well sorta, I talk about it as it comes around. Here is an example of what I mean. Those realizations, those moments were you get hit with a truth. New, painful yet healing. What makes it hard, is these people seem to naturally enter my life, I am not looking. Only one person I have ever sought out, Turq.
Why did I seek Turq out…simple, Love. Sure, anyone can debate it, why I feel that way, how is it love blah blah blah. How would you explain 2 years no contact and yet everyday, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY, she is on my mind? It hasn’t changed since the first day I met her at her place of work that day. Every night, every morning and 90% of the rest of the day. Well this went off the rails with this paragraph…
So if I dig into this topic, beyond I look…nay, attract people who are like my parents, it’s no wonder I have so few I can actually label as a real FRIEND. Less than a single handful for that matter. Am I sad about that? Meh, I wish these few individuals would ask for my time as much as I ask for theirs but mostly keep up and more consistent. Maybe that is another avenue to explore…Consistency. Why is it so hard for majority of people to be consistent? Do we all have lives? Of course we do, shit pulls us in different directions far to easily, but that doesn’t mean we leave “friends” out. Maybe it is what others define as FRIEND? Maybe it is so much different than mine? I mean, I know I have Jason dictionary and if you know me and are reading this than you know what I am referring to.
I think I will close with this….
What is your definition of a “Friend”?