Well, I was going to talk about my weight loss journey but….
Originally I was planning on talking about why I choose to lose the weight I had held on to for years. Seeing myself at LEAST 330 lbs in my mid 20s. Then something pretty hard and very challenging happened last weekend
Now, most of my life I have been a shitty romantic partner. Unable to take hearing that my partner doesn’t feel loved by me, I ALWAYS took as an attack, got defensive, argued back, tit for tat blah blah blah. I will tell you this, WHAT. THE. FUCK. is wrong with me? In truth, it is “what happened to me in my childhood?” That is a whole other post to publish in the future.
Sometimes, the Friend Who challenges You the Most Is the One Who Wants You to Succeed the Most
When we are with those we love, we want them to succeed. We ask them if they are doing the right thing, or perhaps tell them their behavior is going against their own morals and beliefs. Maybe even breaking a self placed boundary they frequently stated they don’t want to do. When we see them essentially HURTING themselves, is it not the most loving thing to do?
Do we point out to them, hopefully knowing they will receive it with a loving space that we hold for them? Do we avoid it, if we know them well enough that it may blow up in our face and cause a strain on the relationship? I ask for one simple reason, my own personal experience. And this is how it went…
I have this friend, she and I have a hard past (This is also another post at some point, I have plenty to talk about and spill all the beans. And not those fun jelly beans). We had been out of each others lives for about 2 years. This was COMPLETELY my fault, and I honestly regret much of how our relationship turned out. I have many regrets that I must forgive myself for, but I find that to be nearly impossible currently. Anywho, back to her and I. We reconnected about 2.5 years ago. I found her (at the time I had no social media) for I had known where she worked before our separation. With much fright and full of angst, I called her at her work…
Even the thought of typing this out scares the shit out of me. Why? Because I know she might read this, she is one of ummmm 2 that even know I have this blog. I worry that I could lose Her forever. My heart hurts just thinking about that, in fact I am nearly in tears typing this. Wow, this was meant for me to get my internal shit out and yet I am terrified to do it….
Fuck it, here it goes. I have wanted to be with Her since we ended back at the end of 2020. It was a relationship that started in secrecy, we were both in other relationships at the time, and we developed over time as we saw each other nearly daily due the the nature of our jobs. She finally got out of hers and with TOO MUCH patience, she waited for me. Challenging me when I was going to leave. Fuck I was an asshole. I kept saying “not yet, I have to blah blah blah”. In truth, I was afraid, terrified and didn’t do what was right. First, the right thing would have been to not engage in it with Her, even more right…not having been in the relationship I was in!!!
But, I did nothing right in life, all by my own choosing. Not a victim, not forced…CHOICE. Usually with my own fear. I have my own saying about that…
Lead with LOVE, not your pain
That seems simple right? HAHAHAHA. Look truthfully at yourself and see what you find. Back to the story here.
So the many other right things I should could would etc, have done was leave my current partnership and proceed with Her. Begin a new life and hope I figure it out before I break Her heart like I have all the others. Truth is, I have been a serial cheater. Not once have I been loyal. That is another blog post at some point as I plan to tear the skin off my bones and expose all my skeletons. How else do you heal? You must face your fears and yourself.
Once again, back to the day at hand. With the way I look at Her now and how I feel about Her, I, for once in my life, believe and KNOW I would be faithful and loyal to Her. Why…she is a whole new world for me. No disrespect to those wonderful souls before Her, just she is everything, air, water, substance, light, dark, good, bad…all of it. Does that sound like I am crazy? Probably but I don’t care. I feel like I keep going off on a tangent, lets steer this ship in the right direction, back to what happened. Wait, that was some back round to understand the present…now I can carry on (my wayward soooonnnn, don’t you cry no more…sorry for that)
She is married, I know, I should have let her be. I called to apologize for abandoning her. I did, for my fear. I didn’t choose Her, I failed Her, and myself. Hearing Her voice on the phone, I felt like I came alive again. For those 2 years of no contact, I never stopped thinking about Her, she was an anchor when I was in the worst places in my head. I leaned into that Love I feel for Her constantly. To this day, even with all the things that have transpired since this last Sunday, that Love has not and will not waiver. Doesn’t mean I won’t get hurt, and I did.
One of the reasons we aren’t together, besides she is married (I suck I know), is she has told me a few times “I don’t want to be the wife the steps out”. I understand that, she wants to be the best Her. Maybe she never will be the best self with me in Her life? Ouch, never said that out loud before, not even sure I have thought that before.
Flash back about 3-4 weeks ago, we were hanging out and in Her car. We are hugging, and I know this hug, she is feeling close and emotional. She has told me that she “always wants me, right or wrong”. But I KNOW this hug, and I WON’T EVER turn Her down. In our hug, she bites my neck…she knows what that does to me (insert devil emoji thing(I will figure out how to do that later)), and I tell Her to bite me harder, and she does. Quick fast forward, we start kissing. I ignite like a furnace that got turned on high, I feel like the sun bursting out with energy. To me, it means sooooo much more than a physical connection, it is US.
The following week, I visit on Her lunch, and we kiss more. And here is where I add a little bit of back story. A couple months ago, she has been hanging out with a new friend, (this is where my pain begins) and SHE invites him out to music. Seems innocent and nothing to worry about (yes I know she and I are not together but…the kissing). They spent multiple weekends at HER invite and many hours one on one. I will say this, even when she and I in the first year back in each others lives, and it was like we were moving into a deeper connection and possibly begin a relationship where I could repair the heart I broke, but it was stopped a few times with “Don’t want to be the wife that steps out”. (I re-iterate that for a reason) She has only invited me out 3 times. Saying that brings up the hurt attached to that fact. In less than 2 months, 3 with him, in 2.5 years 3 with me!? I am not bashing or attacking or anything, I am only stating the facts on this aspect of our friendship.
Flash back to this past Saturday, she is going on a date…WITH HIM!!! When I first asked if it was a date, she told me no. Come Sunday when I hear from Her, she didn’t deny it when I asked “How was your date?” I also asked (even though I knew the answer before she told me, and literally cried about it for about 20 mins that morning in bed) if she kissed him. “Yes” she said. This is where the shit hit the fan…
I am reeling in heartbreak at this point. And I ask state what she has said to me on why Her and I can’t be together, remember what she told me? Here it is again “Don’t want to be the wife that steps out”.
Now, I take ownership that I was hurting, like fucking dying, and I could have CREATIVELY REWORDED that to sound softer. I regret how I presented it, but the truth is, I was challenging Her to see Her choices that she said SHE DIDN’T WANT TO DO. I want Her to be the BEST HER and this choice isn’t aligning with HER BOUNDARIES!!! I feel like I am reopening, actually…I am feeling what I have detached from because it hurts to much.
(I will also admit, I have boundaries. Yet she is my exception. I honestly hoped I was Her’s. Clearly, I was wrong. That hurts too. I wonder if that is going to be our existence together, painful. Wrong people wrong time? Right people wrong time? Haven’t really figured that one out. I also know this, she is still hurting from me not choosing Her the first go around. I would do anything for Her…I should have sooner though.)
So we had a fall out of sorts. She felt I was judging Her. I felt lied to and tossed away like I was just a gap filler, and dopamine hit when she needed one. We both are hurt, we both don’t trust the other, and if there is no trust then there can never be a healthy relationship of any kind, even friendship. This is all fucked up. And all I want to do is be with Her, just Her. I feel lost, alone, unwanted, unlovable, never good enough, not special or important. I don’t know what to do because the pain never stops and I never stop thinking about Her. I will always Love Her, regardless of what becomes of us. That is how I know it is unconditional. Just want Her to find Her inner happiness and live with the joy Her soul radiates to those around Her, one of the most magnificent, illuminous and vibrantly beautiful souls I will ever know.
(There is MANY details and in between things that add to this mess but that will take to long to talk about in this post, it is long enough as it is)
